A missionary bishop had a diocese of numerous islands in the South Pacific. The largest island remained outside his see because the natives were under the influence of a fanatic sect. The island king felt so strongly about it he declared that if the bishop ever landed on his shore, he would have him for dinner. At the same time, the cannibal king was not so primitive he did not know the value of education and thus his son was even then at Oxford studying Shakespeare and becoming aware that even bishops were inedible, The king died and the son went home to be crowned. As part of his inauguration the young king invited the bishop to come to his island when he would present him with a certificate personally, permitting the bishop to establish a mission there. When the bishop's party waded ashore it was met by the new monarch, surrounded by his warriors. Nervously, an arch deacon in the bishop's group said, "I hope you don't intend to roast our bishop." "No, no, no," his majesty!
said, "I come to bear his see, sir, not to braise him." (Himie Koshevoy)
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Jefferson County, Pennsylvania is best known for being the home of Punxsutawney Phil, and tourists flood the community each February 2nd. It is less well known that gypsies and other wanderers migrate anually to Punxsuttawaney in late March to exhibit their art and other products at the Jefferson County Fair. Jefferson County is the site of several Quaker communities as well as having many independent farmers. Every year on March 15th, the Jefferson Chamber of Commerce sends out notices to local and distant groups requesting their participation in the fair. The notice starts with the plea, "FRIENDS, ROAMERS, COUNTRY MEN, SEND ME YOUR WARES." (Stan Kegel)
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Many centuries ago the half-city of Eastern Canopus, on the coast of Egypt in the Nile Delta, slid into the sea. Recent wet archaeology has uncovered the ruins and smart detection has explained that the city was built on the silt of the delta. Apparently, wet silt forms a bog and is very unstable. A big enough flood (and the Nile floods regularly) causes the weight of the city to push the bog out of the way and into the sea. Naturally the authorities are very concerned that this mistake should not be repeated, and so they have commissioned a very large signboard, a hundred feet or more long, to carry a warning. It says: Beware the slides of marsh (Joseph Harris)
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There was a farmer who grew a monster strawberry and was certain that it must be a world record. He called the county agricultural agent to come out and see it and confirm if it was indeed the largest strawberry ever seen. That afternoon the farmer looked out his window just in time to see the county agent stuffing the enormous strawberry into the trunk of his car. He ran outside in a rage and demanded that the agent give a reason why he was making off with his prized berry. "Oh you don't understand," explained the county agent. "I came to seize your berry, not to appraise it." (Gary Hallock)
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It's a little known fact that Julius Caesar did not die from stab wounds by Brutus, but rather he was poisoned. At the huge banquet on that fateful Ides of March, Brutus slipped some poisonous hemlock leaves onto Julius's salad. (This was the world's first Caesar salad!) When Julius slumped over into his salad, Brutus feigned concern and asked: "My dear friend Julius, how many hemlock leaves have you eaten?" To which Julius gasped in reply, "Ate two, Brutus." (James Ertner)
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Two boy Hyde cousins, Marc an' Tony, are going to a Roman Toga party with intent to woo the same girl. One cousin puts on lavish jewelry to impress the girl - a diamond clasp for his toga, and a ruby studded crown on his Roman pompadour. The other cousin dresses plainly, intent to impress the girl with personality and not with accessories. Which cousin gets to date the girl the next day? Why of course, the Jewel-less sees her. (Guy Ben Moshe)
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Following Brutus' turncoat attack upon Caesar, an incredibly enormous state funeral was held. The body lay in state in the Coliseum for several days as tens of thousands of mourners trooped past. There was, however, much debate within the family as to the appropriate disposition of the body -- and each member of the family, in secret from the others, approached the Director of the Empire Funeral Service ("No Gladiator too Small For Us") with instructions on how the Memorial and final Disposition should take place. Thus it was, on the last day, when his Chariot took that last, long ride to the Graveyard, that the mortician approached the family. "The pyre is ready, your Highnesses." "What pyre? We come to bury Caesar, not to braise him," came the reply. (Bob Dvorak)
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It's a little known fact that Julius Caesar did NOT die from stab wounds, but rather he died from envy. Caesar and Brutus were master harpists and were often seen in fierce competition. However, Brutus was more skilled as a composer, giving him an advantage. Caesar began to lose the battle against the brilliance of Brutus. Caesar could surpass Brutus only in arpeggios. However, to Caesar's dismay he saw that Brutus had produced a masterful practice composition designed to improve his own arpeggios. That was the straw that broke Caesar's spirit. He died shortly thereafter, saying to Brutus with his dying breath, "Etude, Brutus?" (Scot Nelson)
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Years ago there was a pizza restaurant chain called "Shakeys." It may have been regional, but I assure you it was pretty popular around here. I don't know where the name came from, but for some reason they no longer exist. perhaps it was due to some coercion from an epileptic's support group. At any rate, the restaurant chain no longer operates in this market. In it's place we now have "Little Seizures." (Gary Hallock)
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Went out to dinner tonight. Something really strange happened. The couple at the next table seemed to be sweethearts, at least that is what I thought at first. The waiter brought their first course and they had no sooner started to eat when the man jumped up from his seat, gave the young lady a big hug, and then sat down and resumed eating. "Oh isn't that sweet," I said to my husband, who predictably replied "Yuh." But then, it happened over and over again, for about 10 minutes. The guy would take a bite, jump up, hug the girl (by this time she gave a little squeal every time), and go back to his seat as if this was a normal thing to do in a restaurant. Finally I remarked to our waiter, "Is this the entertainment or something?" He just shook his head and said "Nah, we see that all the time in here. You see, he's having the Seize Her Salad."
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Caesar had just become the emperor. Mark Antony comes into the throne room and shouts, "Hail! Hail! Hail! Oh mighty Caesar!" Julius jumps up from his throne and angrily shouts, "How dare you hail while I am reigning!"
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Once there was this cattle rancher who, after three years, finally found a buyer for his oldest bull Caesar. This new owner happened to be the rancher's closest neighbor, who lived on the other side of the valley across the river. "Men," the rancher said to his cow hands, "It's time to say our good-byes to this bull, and take him across the river." So the men roped Caesar, and walked him down to the river. They were about to put him on the boat to take him across, when the rancher's youngest nephew who helped to raise Caesar, said with a tear in his eye, "Can we take him out for one last munch in his favorite meadow?" The other hands said, "Sure," and led him just off the riverbank for a snack. Well, with the day as nice as it was, all of the hands took a quick nap. Four hours later, the rancher saw that the bull was still on his property and ran down into the valley. He shouted and cursed at the men to wake them up. Once everyone was standing, he said that the beast should have been across the river long ago. "In fact, we've come to ferry Caesar, not to graze him!"
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Posted 1 year ago #
