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WinExtra Community Forums » Forum: Joke Corner - Recent Topics http://www.winextra.com/forums/forum/4 Bring back the eXtra in Windows en-US Fri, 10 Feb 2012 10:22:36 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 <![CDATA[Search]]> q http://www.winextra.com/forums/search.php dontor on "Rumors" http://www.winextra.com/forums/topic/10787#post-54023 Tue, 31 Jan 2012 15:13:50 +0000 dontor 54023@http://www.winextra.com/forums/ Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip. in ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what i just heard about Diogenes?" "Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me i'd like you to pass a little test. it's called the Triple Filter Test." "Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance. "That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man said, "Actually i just heard about it." "All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?" "No, on the contrary..." "So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?" "No, not really." "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?" The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. it also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was sleeping with his wife. Ron on "All Numbers Are Equal" http://www.winextra.com/forums/topic/10783#post-54010 Sun, 29 Jan 2012 19:31:12 +0000 Ron 54010@http://www.winextra.com/forums/ Theorem: All numbers are equal. Proof: Choose arbitrary a and b, and let t = a + b. Then a + b = t (a + b)(a - b) = t(a - b) a^2 - b^2 = ta - tb a^2 - ta = b^2 - tb a^2 - ta + (t^2)/4 = b^2 - tb + (t^2)/4 (a - t/2)^2 = (b - t/2)^2 a - t/2 = b - t/2 a = b So all numbers are the same, and math is pointless. Ron on "Management Lesson" http://www.winextra.com/forums/topic/10785#post-54013 Sun, 29 Jan 2012 20:27:25 +0000 Ron 54013@http://www.winextra.com/forums/ A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?". The crow answered: Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. And the Management Lesson here is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Ron on "An Open Letter to Alcohol" http://www.winextra.com/forums/topic/10784#post-54012 Sun, 29 Jan 2012 20:21:40 +0000 Ron 54012@http://www.winextra.com/forums/ Dear Alcohol, First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect gift, post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the holidays. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences: 1. Phone Calls: While I agree with you that communication is important. I question the suggestion that any conversation after 2 a.m. can have much substance or necessity. Why would you make me call my ex's? Especially when I know, for a fact, they DO NOT want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night. 2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with wine and topped off with a Kit Kat AFTER a few cheese curls and chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater but I think you went too far this time. 3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer this issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock. 4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order. But, the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out (facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn or wherever). The hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities. Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Friday 3 p.m. (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions. And hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership. Thank you, Your Biggest Fan Pierre on "Answers of a brilliant student who obtained 0%" http://www.winextra.com/forums/topic/10771#post-53917 Wed, 18 Jan 2012 19:48:14 +0000 Pierre 53917@http://www.winextra.com/forums/ Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * his last battle Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * at the bottom of the page Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * liquid Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * exams Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner Q7. What looks like half an apple? * The other half Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? * it will simply become wet Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping? * No problem, he sleeps at night. Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? * You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.. Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have? * Very large hands Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build the same wall? * No time at all, the wall is already built. Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? * Concrete floors are very hard to crack! Ron on "colonoscopy" http://www.winextra.com/forums/topic/10753#post-53826 Wed, 04 Jan 2012 06:07:25 +0000 Ron 53826@http://www.winextra.com/forums/ After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a colonoscopy in Alabama, I decided to have my next one carried out while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating. As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure. "Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me. "I haven't got an erection," I replied. "No, but I have," replied the nurse. Ron on "hobby horse" http://www.winextra.com/forums/topic/10761#post-53861 Sun, 08 Jan 2012 19:47:16 +0000 Ron 53861@http://www.winextra.com/forums/ A grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a Christmas present for his grandson. The toy arrived in 189 pieces. . The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour. However, it took the old man two days to assemble the toy. . Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 189 pieces and mailed it off to the company. Ron on "a girl in the park" http://www.winextra.com/forums/topic/10757#post-53843 Sat, 07 Jan 2012 09:33:05 +0000 Ron 53843@http://www.winextra.com/forums/ I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we lay making love, I thought "These Taser guns are well worth the money." Ron on "Ranching" http://www.winextra.com/forums/topic/10758#post-53844 Sat, 07 Jan 2012 09:37:54 +0000 Ron 53844@http://www.winextra.com/forums/ The Easterner had always dreamed of owning his own cattle ranch, and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams in Wyoming. "So, what did you name the ranch?" asked his best friend when he flew out to visit. "We had a heck of a time," admitted the new cowboy. "Couldn't agree on anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch." "Wow!" his friend was impressed. "So, where are all your cows?" "None of 'em survived the branding." Ron on "The journal of a Time Traveller (some adult content)" http://www.winextra.com/forums/topic/10756#post-53842 Sat, 07 Jan 2012 09:30:37 +0000 Ron 53842@http://www.winextra.com/forums/ I use my Time Machine to go back in time and witness first hand certain events, or for entertainment (I can't get enough of the Arena games in ancient Rome), but just after inventing the Time Machine, I tried to bring them technology to accelerate their technological advances and delay, indeed, even prevent the fall of the Roman Empire, but invariably failed. To wit, I can only carry small items with me in the machine. A Swiss Army knife. My Roman ancestors were totally unimpressed. The blade was too short to be a dagger, the screwdriver was useless because they didn't have screws, and so was the can opener because they didn't have cans. A torchlight. It amused people for a while until it ran out of batteries. The cellphone. No signal. Bummer. Why didn't I think about that? A watch. They said they had hourglasses. I told them, morons (Stulti!), you can't wear an hourglass on your wrist, but they replied who needs to wear a timepiece on the wrist? A digital camera. Heavy scene as capturing their images was regarded as witchcraft. Had a narrow escape. An MP3 player. Some entertainment for the crowds even though they hated the music (what's to hate about Lady Gaga?), until the batteries ran out. A cigarette lighter. So I can make fire? They said their flints work just as well. Then my lighter ran out of gas. They laughed and left, shaking their heads. Blueprints of an internal combustion engine. Gave them to Publius Lucius, the chariot builder. Told me to come back the following day. Did that, with great expectations. Told me the paper made a good fire. Stultus! A copy of Playboy magazine. They were amused by those reproductions on paper, but then they took me to a brothel in the Suburra and showed me the murals. Put Playboy to shame. A vibrator. Several Roman matrons were, ahem, entertained, but then it ran out of batteries and they went back to dildos. In short, nothing I took with me helped them. Those idiots were quite happy with what they had. Well, morons, don't blame me when Alaric will sack Rome in 420 AD. I tried.